Nightmares
by Solanacea
Summary: After Valentine reappeared, Jace is haunted by nightmares. Clary is there to comfort him. Together with the fellow shadow hunters and the help of Magnus they try to find a way to help him deal with his hurtful past
1. Chapter 1

Hello everybody. After watching 2,5 seasons of „Shadow hunters" straight, I'm waiting for the rest of season 3 desperately to air here in Germany. I thought I might as well use the time to write a little fanficlet about Jace and Clary, allowing them for some closeness which I kind of missed on the show…

The characters are not mine, as you know ;-)

Please forgive me for any spelling or grammar mistakes, since I'm not a native speaker.

Nightmares

Clary woke up to the sound of a muffled cry, followed by soft whimpers. She sat up in her bed and pricked her ears. Sleep fogged her mind and it took her some time for her to come to. Then she heard it again. The pained sounds were coming from Jaces bedroom, just across the hall.

She slipped out of bed and softly padded towards the door, when she heard another scream, fiercer now and more distinct than before. She rushed out of her room, across the hall and burst into Jaces bedroom, not even bothering to knock. She saw his huddled figure tangled in the sheets, back turned towards her. He didn't notice her coming in or at least didn't bother turning around. All Clary could hear now were uncontrolled breaths.

As she stepped closer in the dim light that was falling in from the moon shining through the window, she could see Jace shaking, quivering, like he was freezing cold. Worried she stepped closer and very carefully not to startle him made her way around the bed, so he could see her. Well aware that he could just as easily latch out at her in his constant state of wariness, always prepared to fight off evil, she slowly approached his bed and sat down at the very edge. In the darkness she tried to check his facial expression for any signs of recognition. His eyes darted around and he didn't seem to be aware of his surroundings. Clary lifted up her hand to touch his his hand shot out of and grabbed her wrist his eyes wide with terror. She could see tears glistening in his eyes. He spoke to him in a soft voice calling his name over and over again until she found a trace of recognition in his distant gaze. Slowly she felt the grip on her hand loosen, As he focused his eyes on her and slowly seemed to realize who was sitting in front of him. Clary slid a little closer and hesitantly wiped a tear from his eye.

"What's going on Jace," she asked. Jace blinked the tears away.

"Did you have a nightmare again?" Actually this was more like a rhetoric question and so Jace didn't answer her just drew her hand up closer to his chest, clinging onto it like to a lifeline. Clary moved closer and lay down beside him face to face pressing her forehead against his and wrapping her free arm around his shoulders. He was sobbing now, the tears flowing freely down his cheeks wetting the sheets. Clary's heart beat in her throat. She couldn't stand seeing him like this, but she knew that she just had to be there for him now. If he needed to talk, he would talk later. Right now she would just hold him close and hope that she could ease the pain he was going through; The pain he was going through each and every night because of what his scumbag of a father had inflicted on him. Jace had told her some of the stories from his childhood and how his father had trained him to be a soldier who was not allowed to have any feelings or weaknesses.

She thought back to the day when he had told her about the falcon that he had tamed and grown to love and which his father had brutally killed, saying that Jace had broken the bird because it was supposed to obey its master and not to love him. Jace never told much about his father, but there seemed to be little windows of him opening up and confiding his dark Memories to her.

On another day Jace had told her about his piano lessons and the barbarian methods his father had used to make him not make any mistakes. She felt anger rise with in her at the memories of his words that his father had broken "the offending finger" once it had slipped onto the wrong key. How could anyone treat his own sound like this? If one looked closely you could still see that The ring finger on his right hand and quite line up with the others. Clary reached out her hand and wiped the wet strand of hair from his teary face.

Jace's sobbing had subsided and he was now actually looking at her, seemingly recognizing her for the first time. "Clary,"he whispered between shaky breath's " I am so sorry." Clary loosened embrace and put her hand on his cheek feeling the slight stubble of his beard. "Don't be. " she said. "There is nothing to be sorry for. What Valentine did to you… "she sighed deeply. "You have every right to feel the way you are feeling right now. It is OK to let it out. I am here for you. " Jay cringed his brow and moved to shake his head but Clary stopped him by pulling him closer into her embrace. "It's OK, really," Clary repeated. "If you like I will stay with you tonight to make sure the bad dreams don't come back."

Jace bit his lip and she could see that he was battling his inner demons by the look looks that ghosted over his tear stained face. Finally Jace sighed deeply and nodded hesitantly. "I'd love that," he whispered with a shaky voice and drew her close into his arms. They lay together like this until Clary could feel his breath even out. Then she allowed herself to close her eyes as well. She swore to herself that she would never let anyone hurt Jace like that again and she would make sure that he was not left alone with his pain.

The next morning Claire we woke up to James gently stroking her cheek. She stretched and turned to her side to face him. Jace smiled at her gently and there was an honesty in his smile that she had hardly ever seen on him beside the usual cocky smile that he liked to give anybody else in his usual flirty and slightly arrogant manner. The one that never really reached his eyes. Her heart missed a beat as she realized that she was looking at the real Jace without his walls of protection up in full gear. Clary got lost in his beautiful eyes for a while, but them the events of the previous night came back to her mind in full force. She wasn't sure at all how much Jace would remember of what had happened that night. If he did she would ask would have expected him to play it down and close up again like you had done before. Still she felt the need to talk to him about what had happened.

"How are you feeling?" she asked him. Jace shrugged. "I'm OK," he said. Clary wrinkled her brow. "You sure? I was kind of worried about you last night. You seemed so desperate." Jace, who had been playing with a strand of her hair let himself fall onto his back and stared at the ceiling. Clary worried that his walls would be up again in no time but she was proved wrong.

Jace slowly started to talk. „Ever since I saw him again, these memories seems to creep back into my mind every time I close my eyes. I can't do anything against it. It seems like I had locked the past in the back of my mind and now I can't close the door again."

Clary lay on her back beside him and reached out for his right hand and entwining her fingers with his. "Maybe you shouldn't then. Maybe you're supposed to work things out now. I'll be here if you need me. I promise." Jace turned his head towards her

and sighed. " I don't wanna burden you with this stuff. You have enough going on yourself" he said. „Maybe. But you Have been there for me so many times. You even saved my life so why don't you let me give you something back. It seems like something that is too big for one person alone." Clary now moved closer to Jace and put her head onto his shoulder feeling his strong heartbeat under her skin. She used her index finger to redraw the lines of the rooms covered Jaces body, Admiring his strong chest, smiling slightly.

„ If that means that I get to spend more time with you and sleep in your bed with you it's definitely worth it," she whispered. Jace smiled at that and placed it on to her forehead. " I can live with that," he said smiling and leaned in to her for a passionate kiss.

When Clary entered the training room half an hour later, she found Alec shooting arrows like he often did early in the morning's when most of the staff were still sleeping or having breakfast. She had intended to clear her head by practicing a little after last night's the emotional rollercoaster, hoping to get some time on her own. Obviously that would not work out. She sighed and stood back watching Alec for a while, not ready to face his bad mood that he had recently taken out on her. But she quickly noticed that something seemed to be off. Instead of hitting the bull's-eye like he usually did with like nine out of 10 arrows, Alec even missed the target completely a couple of times. His face was even more serious than usual and he seem to be distracted, lost in his thoughts. When Alec stop this shooting to retrieve the errors she finally stepped forward for him to see her. "What's going on?" she teased," having a bad day?". Alec directed his gaze at her and glared at her. He hadn't been very friendly towards her from the beginning but over the last few days he seem to be a lot more wary of her, avoiding her and giving her strange looks. „I'm fine," he said shortly and went back to pick up his arrows putting them back into his the quiver he was carrying over his shoulder. „I just haven't been sleeping very well lately," he muttered. Clary sauntered into the room and started stretching. „Might have something to do with that parabatai thing," she offered cautiously . Alec released the tension on his bow and looked at her. „What's that supposed to mean?" he asked, frowning.

„Jace isn't sleeping well either," Clary elaborated. „Maybe you can feel that somehow? I have no ideadon't how those parabatai runes work but they seem to have a lot of power." Alec turned his head towards her. He could see his mind working, still not trusting her completely until he finally sighed and said. „They do. I can feel when Jay's is hurting and he is. Valentine is getting to him again," he said, his voice a low growl. Clary could see his jaw working. His knuckles were white as he clenched the arrow in his fist. Clary looked up at the tall dark guy expectantly, not sure what would happen next. After what seemed like an eternity he seemed to manage to control his anger, he sighed deeply and put his arrows down, looking lost all of the sudden. He ran his hand over his ace before he spoke again in a voice, Clary had never heard him use before, not his leader voice, but one filled with emotions that Clary hadn't thought he had in himself.

„When my parents first took Jace in, he would cry and scream in his sleep every night. …It was… unbearable. My parents tried to talk to him, to comfort him but he would just lash out at them and flight them whenever they would get close to him. ...It seemed like he had never experienced real loving human touch."

Alec bowed his head avoiding her gaze as he continued. „Maryse and Robert have always been very strict and ambitious parents who didn't cut us much slack growing up, always serving the clave, following rules and doing what was right for the community, but they NEVER hurt us like Valentine hurt Jace." He drew in a shaky breath. „I probably hate that bastard more than Jace does himself, because he still can't see how WRONG he was treated by his father. Maybe that's for his own good though, cause I don't think anyone could survive the truth."

He shook his head and looked up at Clary. His eyes were brimming with tears. Clary kept quiet, knowing there was more to come.

„ It took years of trust and friendship until the screaming would stop and Jace could sleep through the night," Alec continued, „I don't know everything that happened in those first 10 years of his life, but I know there's so much more that we don't know about and that maybe even Jace doesn't consciously know about."

Clary sighed. She had never seen Alec so emotional. She stepped forward and hesitantly touched his arm in a comforting gesture. Alec was not sure what to make of it then finally looked into her eyes.

„He'll work it out this time," Clary said. „With our help. You're his parabatai, you have to be strong for him. We'll all be there for him no matter what else comes to the surface."

Alec nodded and picked up his bow again. Just as quickly as it had been there, the moment of closeness and understanding between the two of them was gone. It seemed like Jace was not the only shadow Hunter who had defensive walls surrounding him most of the time. But Clary knew for certain that Alec would always be there for Jace no matter what he might think of her.


	2. Chapter 2

„We have to do something, Izzy!" Clary said, plopping down on her friend's bed tiredly. They had just come back to the institute from a hunt. It had been nothing out of the ordinary. Just a couple of demons that should have been taken care off with a couple of sword strikes backed up by Alec's arrows.

But although it should have been an easy job, the girls had needed to step in a couple of times as Jace had missed one of the creatures not being his usual self. Then Alec had missed a couple of shots,too , resulting in some pretty nasty wounds in return. He was at the nursery station right now, being tended to by Magnus and his healing spells.

Izzy got rid of her jacket and started pacing the room. Clary never ceased to be fascinated how she could move so fast and elegant even wearing high heels. She shook her head to get back into focus.

Valentine and the confusion he had caused seemed to be getting to all of them.

„They are BOTH gonna get themselves killed!" Isabel said out loud, what Clary was thinking.

„I mean, did you see that -out there?" Izzy shook her head. „ That was third grade stuff! Can you imagine what would have happened with a greater demon?" She was really upset now.

Clary nodded. „That whole parabatai thing…and Jace not sleeping, it's taking ist toll on both of them."

Izzy stopped pacing and sat down next to Clary. „That's Why I'm glad that I don't have one…. A parabatai, I mean. …But anyway. What's going on with Jace? He has always pulled off the big brother thing. Not showing any weakness in front of me. That whole crap about emotions making you weak." She shook her head. „I don't agree on that. You just have to work with them. Know how to use them, to draw strength from them." Izzy's face was flushed by the end of her speech.

Clary was surprised at how passionate the petite girl could be. It was good to know she had someone on her side, though, considering how rational Jace and Alec acted most of the time, or at least tried to.

„Izzy," Clary said, patting the bed beside her. „I agree with you. About how it's no use bottling you emotions up. Like all of them. ... But THIS…all that's happened Jace in the past, what Valentine did…it's too big for him to handle ...all at once."

Isabel nodded, sitting down next to Clary. „So it's coming back to him now? Like everything about his past?" she asked, her voice betraying a deep sisterly love and compassion for Jace.

Clary swallowed. „I guess so. It seems like all the bits and pieces are coming to the surface now, haunting him, even in his sleep. He never told me much either. But he has been screaming and fighting every night in his sleep." Clary felt a pain in her chest as she thought back to last night.

„He hasn't eaten a lot either, has he?" Izzy started. Clary nodded. „Not that I've seen, lately."

Isabel lay back on her bed, running her hand through her black hair frustrated.

„It was the same when he first got here, Clary. I mean I was still little at that time, but I remember him sustaining himself on water and an occasional piece of bread basically, while training night and day, fighting his ass off. …I didn't think about it much back then. Maybe I thought he was just an over achiever or something…" she sighed. Anyhow; it took quite a while until Hodge was able to slow him down, so he wouldn't hurt himself in training and a lot of patience for my parents to get him to take in a normal diet. …Oh by the Angel! Maybe he didn't now it any different…or he was so traumatized that he just couldn't let himself rest …or eat."

Now Izzy's eyes were brimming with tears. She hastily wiped them away with the back of her hand and sat up. "You're right! We have to do something. Help Jace get through this. But how?"

Clary shrugged. „Maybe Magnus could…?" „Erase his memories, like he did with yours?" Izzy interrupted her. „Do you really wanna do this? I mean how did you feel when you found out what your mother had asked him to do?"

Clary shook her head."I don't know, Izzy. But there's gotta be something. These memories, …they are going to kill Jace, and harm Alec through their parabatai bond. I'm not saying that bottling things up will be helpful, but if there could be a way to work them out step by step…"

„You mean like a therapy?" Izzy asked. „That's something for mundanes, Clary. In the world of Shadow Hunters it doesn't exist."

Clary rolled her eyes at that „Why am I not surprised."

Izzy stood up. „Well, he certainly cannot go see one of the mundanes, or he would be considered crazy and end up in a mental health clinic in no time….."

Clary sighed. „Let's Go find Magnus then. Maybe he can help- one way or another."

„Yeah, let's go. I hope he patched up Alec alright."

They found the two men in the nurse's station, Alec lying on a bed, Magnus waving his hands over his body in his elegant manner, the occasional sparks flying from his fingertips. He paused and frowned, as he noticed the two girls.

"How is it going, Magnus." Izzy asked. Magnus raised his eyebrows and cast a look into the eyes of the taller man in front of him, who had opened his eyes on hearing his sister speak.

"The demon scratched him pretty badly and he got some demon venom into his system. I can heal him. But it takes time. This has to be done bit by bit and repeated daily. His body has to rest, so it can heal properly. I thin it would be best if I took Alexander to my place, to care for him, he finished determinedly.

Alec rolled his eyes and sat up ."No need for that Magnus, I'm feeling fine. Besides I have to get back to…,"he stopped and grabbed the bed as he started to feel dizzy and a wave of nausea hit him, along with a harsh pounding in his head. Magnus caught him, before he could tumble off the bed.

"Easy there! …See, I told you, you needed to rest. Listen to an experienced warlock's advice for once, will you!" he chided him, the sweet tone of his voice giving away his affection for the younger man.

Izzy and Clary smiled at the interaction though worried about Alec's well- being.

"So, you're saying he will be alright, if he takes it easy?"

Magnus cocked his head. "Yes, if he shows himself compliant to my recommendations." He said, frowning a little at his patient.

Alec closed his eyes, still waiting for the nauseous feeling to go away. "Will do. You won." He panted, licking his dry lips.

"God boy, " Magnus said nonchalantly, picking up a glass of water and holding it to Alec's lips for him to take a sip. Alec turned his head away, drawing a face, still feeling nauseous. "Could you…just…" He gagged.

"Oh, of course."Magnus said, drawing a small circle above Alec's stomach and snapping his fingers.

Alec's face relaxed instantly as the sick feeling disappeared. Magnus put glass of water to his lips again and Alec drank thankfully.

"So, Magnus." Clary asked hesitantly. " Can we have a word?"

Magnus frowned again at the request but got up, casting another glance at his patient.

" I'll be back in a minute." He said, but got no reaction as Alec seems to have dozed off.

"What is it my dear?" He asked moving away a little to the other side of the room.

Clary bit her lip. "It's about Jace," she began. "He is having a hard time with all those memories from the past coming back to him. He doesn't sleep or eat properly, he is not himself anymore. With that parabatai bond…"

" …this affects Alexander as well." Magnus finished for her, nodding understandingly. " That's why his body was so weak. I knew it had to have been more than the demon venom!" He said eagerly.

Izzy nodded. " We have to do something to stop this, or it will kill both of them. I mean, they were lucky we were with them today…! She exclaimed.

Clary put her hand on Izzy's shoulder from behind. "Okay, Izzy, calm down…"

Magnus sighed and ran a hand over his neck.

"So what do you suggest?" He asked.

" I don't know, " Izzy snapped, "You are the high warlock of Brooklyn, aren't you?"

Magnus looked at her insulted. "I am. But messing around with someone's mind is something very dangerous and delicate."

He turned to Clary: " Do you suggest I take his memory from him like I did take yours?" He asked.

Clary shook her head. " I don't know…Maybe just the bad stuff…"

Magnus smiled fatherly and touched Clary's arm.

"I'm afraid one cannot selectively erase bad memories. They are all connected. Sometimes it's not even clear to say which ones are bad or good. Some can be both. Some can make up a big part of a persons identity. If you erase them…" he made a melodramatic pause.

"They won't be the same person anymore.." Clary concluded.

Magnus nodded, a little irritated by being interrupted by the redhead. But matters were to serious for him to get worked up about this right now.

They all stood in silence for a long moment. "Can you at least make him sleep…or eat?" Clary asked, almost begging him.

Magnus looked at her sadly. "I could. But he would be trapped in his sleep with his nightmares. I cannot take those away, because they are connected to his memories. …And eat…I mean, yes there is a potion that will give him a better appetite but there is no way of telling if the worries outweigh that.

Clary sighed. "We gotta try though. And we still need to find a way for those bad dreams to go away."

Magnus looked at her compassionately. "I know, Biscuit. You feel like you need to do something. But some things even the supernatural world cannot fix. I' m speaking from experience. It took myself a couple of hundred years to " forget" certain things from my past. Some things can be worked out. Some things you gotta live with. Some are better kept locked away forever." His voice was serious and his gaze distant as if thinking about something in his own past. Then he seemed to snap out of it and displayed his nonchalant smile on his face again.

"If you'll excuse me now ladies. I have a patient to take care of."

With that he turned back towards Alec, who seemed to be fast asleep now.

"I'll send you vial of that potion, as soon as I get a hold of the ingredients," he called over his shoulder.

So, how did you like it? Drop me a note, please.

P.S. As you can see, this is a kind of AU at least timeline wise, since I thought I should give Jace and Clary more time together than they got in the show.


	3. Chapter 3

They found Jace in the yard where he practiced martial art moves, swinging his sword around like he was actually fighting a greater demon, but both Clary and Izzy knew that it were rather his inner demons that he was trying to fight. His face was flushed and his skin shining with sweat, despite the cool outside air. He took another swing, turn and stab with his sword, letting out a deep guttural grunt before he let his sword sink down and released his body tension. It was not until then that he noticed Clary and his step sister.

"Hey, what…are you spying on me?" He asked, slightly irritated.

Izzy stepped forward and sauntered towards him, eyeing him up and down.

„You trying to kill yourself here?" she challenged. „I didn't save your ass out there for nothing big bro." She added in a cocky voice.

Clary looked at Izzy in shock. What the hell was she doing? They had come out here to talk to Jace, not insult him and piss him off. She shook her head at Izzy's words, but to her surprise, Jace just put down his sword and sat down on a small stone ledge, surrounding the court yard. He took a few moments to catch his breath, before he answered.

„ Sorry about that Iz…Clary," he added hesitantly looking over to where she was still standing. „I put all of you in danger. That's unforgivable. I don't know what's gotten to me." He ran his hand through his hair, sounding defeated.

Clary took the cue to step forward, standing in front of him now, catching his hand and holding it lightly, their fingertips barely touching. „No, it's NOT unforgivable and yes, you know, what's up with you.." she spoke softly.

Jace drew a face of disgust and cocked his head. „What is this…some kind of intervention?" he pulled his hand from Clary's and started pacing. „Because I don't think I'm up for it right now!" he voiced angrily. „Besides, I gotta go check on Alec." he said, turning to leave, but Izzy grabbed him by the arm. „Jace! You have to slow down, take a break, work things out…", she exclaimed, knowing the same moment that her choice of words couldn't have been worse. Jace threw her a fiery gaze, before he harshly freed his arm from her and said in a stone cold voice. „There is nothing to work out, Izzy. Leave me alone. I need to see Alec." He turned to leave.

„He's okay Jace," Clary called after him. „Magnus is taking care of him."

Jace didn't bother to answer. He felt betrayed by the two girls who had obviously worked out some secret plan behind his back. His mind was a big mess as it was, he didn't need those two adding to the confusion by manipulating him. He felt guilty enough for not fighting at his best when they were fighting those demons, thereby having put his fellow shadow hunters at risk. That was clearly a No-go. That was why he had gone straight back to training after coming back to the Institute. Besides, it also made the voice in his head shut up for a while, the voice that constantly told him that he was weak and unworthy and stinking piece of shit. The voice that he had listened to for half of his childhood. Even in his sleep, it didn't stop now, haunting him in his dreams, telling him that he was not good enough, that he was a threat to the others, not being strong enough to protect them. It made him sick to think that today it had actually happened. He had failed to protect the one person closest to him, who he should protect with his own life, given their bond as parabatai. Alec had been hurt because of him, even worse, he had been weakened by his own weakness through their bond. He shook his head to stop the circle of thoughts.

Focus, Jace! He told himself, as he walked into the nursery station. He looked around but there was just a single nurse cleaning up stuff in the corner of the large room. Jace went over, worried.

„Hey there, I'm looking for Alec Lightwood…?" he inquired.

„ The nurse looked up from the stuff she was cleaning and smiled gently. „Mr. Lightwood was treated by the High Warlock of Brooklyn and then transferred to his room to heal." She answered, her voice betraying the admiration for either Alec or Magnus, which one, Jace couldn't tell.

„Thank you." He quickly said and turned to leave, only to be stopped by her words.

„I believe Mr. Bane is still with his patient." She added, her words clearly implying that she should warn him not to disturb the two of them.

Jace gritted his teeth. As much as he was happy for Alec, that he seemed to have found a love interest finally, having suspected for quite long now that his parabatai took interest in men rather than women, he still had a hard time picturing him actually being with another man, let alone with a man as extravagant and glamorous as the High Warlock of Brocklyn.

Anyway, he needed to check on Alec. He could feel that he was not hurt too badly, but he still wasn't anywhere near fine.

He used one of the elevators to the upper level, where the living quarters where and knocked on Alec's bedroom door.

It took a little while, before the door was opened and he looked into the face of Magnus Bane.

„Alexander," the man called out, turning his head over his shoulder. „ It's your parabatai,"he said, eyeing Jace up and down.

Jace glared at the Warlock in front of him, pondering if he should punch him in the face or thank him for taking care of his brother, when he heard Alec's voice from within.

„Let him in!" And with that Jace pushed past Magnus, who sighed and closed the door behind him,

„Just make it quick. My patient needs his rest." He said more to himself than to Jace, who had already knelt down, next to Alec's bed, a worried expression on his face.

„How are you doing?" he asked concerned and Alec sat up a little.

„I'm okay. Just feeling a little dizzy," he answered. Magnus stepped closer to the two. „ He got a pretty bad share of demon venom. It's gonna take a couple of days to get it out of his system." He stated, crossing his arms in front of himself.

When he saw the worry and self doubt on the blonde shadow hunter's face, he added:

„Nothing that cannot be fixed with a High Warlock at hand," his voice was softer now.

Jace let out a deep breath that he must have held all the time.

„Thanks to the Angel!" he said, sounding relieved and defeated at the same time.

„Look, Alec. I'm so sorry…" he started, but was interrupted mid sentence.

„Don't even go there, Jace. It is not your fault. None of this is…" he said, pausing to catch his breath as he felt another wave of nausea. Magnus stepped forward and waved his hands slightly over Alec's body, until the younger man relaxed visibly.

„ I should have had your back out there," Jace continued, shaking his head. I could have gotten you killed!"

Alec let himself sink back into his pillow. „I missed a couple of shots myself Jace. That's nothing to do with you."

„You sure about that?" Jace snorted, feeling his parabatai rune sting. It had gotten worse, the closer he got to Alec. Sitting next to him, he could basically feel the demon venom curse through his own blood and it made him dizzy as well. He could only guess how much of his inner turmoil Alec was feeling in return.

Alec rubbed his eyes with his palms, sighing. „ Don't beat yourself up, man, for something that's not your fault. Valentine is screwing with your head, it's nothing you chose." He paused, overwhelmed by the emotions that were sleeping through the bond, while Jace still didn't Let any of them show on the outside. "If there is anything I can do…" Alec offered.

Jace shook his head. „ You can do me a favor and get better soon," he said. This venom is making me dizzy, " he said, trying to lighten the mood making a swirling motion around his head, until Alec's hand shot out and grabbed his arm.

„ I mean it Jace," he said seriously, "Anytime …whatever it is."

This time Jace didn't object. His face grew serious and Alec saw his jaw working.

He sighed, knowing that this was about as much as Jace would let him in right now. But he didn't need to hear the words, because he could feel through their bond how torn his parabatai was and how he fought to keep his composure.

Alec squeezed Jaces arm once more before he let go. „Whenever you are ready." He said firmly and Jace nodded.


	4. Chapter 4

When Jace came back to his room after having taking a cold shower, in an attempt to try and clear his head, he found Clary sitting on his bed. He somehow felt self-conscious only wearing a towel around his hips, so he stopped in the door frame sizing the redhead up from far. She was looking at her hands, which were fidgeting nervously.

Jace cleared his throat: "What are you doing here?" he asked, still a little upset about earlier, "shouldn't you be somewhere, conspiring with my sister?"

Clary looked up, startled. "Jace, please, I'm sorry. We weren't trying to go behind your back, we're just trying to help you."

" I don't need your help, I'm fine," Jace responded stubbornly. Clary sighed. " You don't sleep, you don't eat. How's that 'fine'?"

Jace ran a hand through his still wet hair and sighed. "Look, I can take care of myself. I don't need you or my sister to babysit me."

Clary stood up and walked up to him, trying to ignore the fact, that he was only wearing a towel. He looked slightly thinner, she noticed, though still well built, with a shimmer of wetness from the shower still lingering on his chest and bare arms. Clary took in the runes that covered his body, only realizing now how many he had. Her mind drifted to the day he had drawn her first one, how it had stung and burnt, but had healed just as quickly. She wondered if she'd ever get used to

Forcing the distracting thoughts from her mind, she focused back on why she had come.

She took hold of his forearms and tried to catch his eyes. She brushed his stamina rune in the process, which felt rougher than the others, which looked smooth like tattoos on his skin. Giving up on catching his evasive gaze, she looked at the rune, confused. Then it dawned on

"You have been using your stamina rune…a lot lately, right?" she asked softly. Jace drew his arm away and turned his head, not willing to answer her.

But Clary wouldn't let him off the hook that easily. "Jace, I'm really sorry about earlier. But we are all worried about you! We want to help you find a way to get better." Jace's body tensed at her touch and her words, but he didn't move away, so Clary continued.

"You cannot go on like this! Whatever is getting to you. We have to find a way to…," she stopped herself from saying ' work it out', considering his earlier reaction to Izzy's words, …"for you to deal with it, before you starve yourself to death or kill yourself with excess training."

Jace had turned his head away from her by now. All she could see was his jaw working. She hesitantly reached up and touched his cheek, turning his head gently to face her, prepared for him to get angry at her again. But he didn't get angry. When he finally looked at her, she was shocked to see tears in his eyes.

"He's in my head, Clary." He whispered, biting his bottom lip, making him look more like a little boy than the strong and fearless shadow hunter she

"Whatever I do or wherever I go, I can hear him…" he continued in a tone so desperate, it made Clarys heart clench in her

"You mean Valentine?" she asked, now holding both of his hands in a tight, reassuring grip.

Jace grimaced. "Valentine, Michael Wayland, my father, whatever you may call him. I don't know what to believe

My whole life was a lie, Clary." He drew in a shuddering breath. "But I hear his voice in my head, telling me over and over again how much of a failure I am. ...That he did, what he did to me, to make me stronger, because he loved me. Because to love is to destroy…." His voice was shaking now and the tears had escaped his eyes and were running down his face.

Clary felt a lump in her throat and tears in her own eyes. She reached up, to wipe the tears from his cheek, but Jace just drew his face away from her.

Clary could actually feel his confusion and desperation but in contrast to him she could put into words how she felt about Valentine. It was pure disgust and hatred for the man who had abused his son in ways she couldn't even start to imagine, only to make him believe that what he did was right, was proof of his love.

She slowly took a step forward, pulling Jace into her embrace, until his face was resting against the crook of her neck. This time he didn't resist. Caressing his back with slow soothing circles, she whispered into his ear:

"What he did was not love and you didn't deserve any of it. None of this is your fault. It was him, who did you wrong."

Finally, after what felt like an eternity she felt Jace hug her back, his ragged breathing turning into sobs. Overwhelmed by emotions he had kept bottled up for much too long, he clung to her, seemingly unable to steady himself anymore, so she gently let herself sink yo the floor with him.

They sat like this for a long time, tangled with each other until Clary couldn't feel her feet underneath her and Jace's bare skin felt icy cold under her touch. It was like all life had been drained from him and he was utterly exhausted. When darkness began to engulf them, Clary finally found the strength to somehow drag them both over to Jace's bed, guiding him to lie under the covers to warm up again.

She quickly got rid of her shoes, pants and shirt and snuggled close to him, spooning him from behind. She felt him flinch at the sudden touch again at first, but after whispering some reassuring words, she felt him relax. Then he spoke for the first time in what seemed like hours, his voice a hoarse whisper.

"I'm sorry Clary." Clary frowned. "What for?" "For crying like a baby…for being so weak…" Jace said, sounding disgusted. Clary sighed and hugged him closer, blindly feeling for his hand. It was balled into a fist. She gently pried it open and laced her fingers with his. "There's NOTHING to be sorry for, Jace. All of these emotions, they need to be released, or they will eat you up from inside. Don't believe that crap about them making you weak. They only do, if you bottle them up."

Jace shook his head slightly. "I just don't know what to feel at all. …He said, that he did…what he did out of love. So how can I hate him for that?"

Clary felt anger rise in her at his words, still excusing that man's actions.

"Jace," she said, trying hard to keep her fury from seeping into her voice. "Valentine is a crazy person, who used you for his own goals and indoctrinated you with his sick beliefs. You have every right to hate him."

Jace drew in a shaky breath. "It's just not that easy…"

Clary sighed, forcing herself to take on his perspective. "I guess it's not. You were raised by him, it's all you knew for half of your life. But what he did was wrong. Jace, it's different now. Nobody's gonna hurt you anymore. You are surrounded by people who genuinely love you and care for you."

"But he told me he loved me…" Jace said, his voice broken.

Clary swallowed. "If he did, he had a horrible way of showing it…" she said.

Jace stayed silent to that.

Clary snuggled closer to him, pressing soft kisses on his shoulders. He didn't flinch this time, but she could feel that he still didn't dare to fully relax into her touch. She stopped caressing him, instead circled her arm around his waist and just held him gently. "This is what love should feel like, Jace," she said softly. "Warm and safe. Like...home. If you let me, I'll try and show you."

TBC... Tanks for reading. Please review and let me know what you think!


	5. Chapter 5

If Clary had hoped that Jace would get a good night's sleep after pouring his heart out, she would be disappointed.

She hadn't dared to move or close her own eyes, until she felt his breathing even out and the occasional twitch of his muscles as his body slowly relaxed into sleep. But as soon as Jace entered a deeper phase of sleep, he began moaning and fidgeting, beads of sweat forming on his forehead.

Clary sighed and sat up and switched on the small lamp on the beside table. His face was a mixture of fear and hurt, while he was starting to trash wildly. Not sure what to do, Clary got up or get a wet towel from the bathroom. When she was just wringing out the excess water, she heard Jace scream again, like he had the night before, only this time, he sounded more like a wounded animal.

She rushed back to the side of the bed, taking in the scene before her. Jace was curled up on the bed, gripping the sheets with one hand, covering his head protectively with his other arm. Horrified, she slipped back into bed beside him, gently touching his shoulder and speaking reassuring words to him. But non of them seemed to register. He was still sleeping, caught in his nightmare. She dabbed the towel over his sweaty forehead and shook his shoulder slightly.

Finally, Jace jerked awake, and sat up, instinctively crawling away from her, blinking rapidly, eyes still unfocused.

Clary held up her hands in an appeasing gesture. "It's okay, Jace. It's me. You had another nightmare," she said softly.

Jace looked around, trying to get his bearings, his breaths still coming deep and uneven. Then he let his gaze roam over his own body confused. Then his hand went up to his face, dabbing at it in different places, before he let his hand sink down onto the sheets staring into space. Clary could see his jaw working, as she had figured out by now a clear sign of discomfort.

"Are you alright?"was all she could ask, though she knew this was probably the most stupid question. She bit her lip and moved closer to Jace, inch by inch, holding out the wet towel, like a piece offering.

Jace shook his head and drew his knees up to his chest, circling them with his arms. Clary threw the towel on the floor and reached out for Jace's shoulder, but he drew away. "Don't touch me!" He hissed, ducking his head and turning his face away from her.

Clary looked at him shocked, hand suspended in mid air, before she drew it back and slowly slid back to sit with her back against the headboard.

"What's this about Jace? What happened in that dream?" She confronted him.

Jace shook his head and closed his eyes.

"Please, Jace. I'm worried. You were screaming like you were hurt….What happened?" Clary insisted.

Jace shook his head again. "You don't wanna know…"

"Yes, I do. Because I care for you. I wanna know, what's messing with your head."

"I told you…"

" You dreamt about Valentine."she stated.

Jace nodded hesitantly. "He taught me one of his lessons."He sounded defeated.

Clary looked at him expectantly, waiting for him to continue.

Jace sucked in a deep breath and ran a hand through his hair. Then he seemed to steel himself, his whole body becoming rigid, his voice sounding strangely detached as he continued.

"We we're practicing, fighting. I was distracted for a second, so he was able to disarm me. He laughed at me, shouted at me, how useless I was. As I bent down to pick up my sword, he kicked me in the face. Then he beat me, he cut me, and kicked me again and again until I couldn't hold myself up anymore. …'This is what happens to those who are weak' is what he said. Then he used my healing rune to fix me, so he could start over again."

Clary was speechless. She just wanted to go find Valentine and rip his cruel heart out. She couldn't shake the thought that came to her mind, that she was glad, that Valentine never got to raise her, because she knew, she could have never survived what Jace had gone through, A knot formed in her stomach as she realized, that she had been the lucky one whereas Jace had been left to deal with that monster. She felt a hint of guilt, for having gotten the easy way out.

Jace was staring into space now, emotions shielded behind a thin layer of what could have been mistaken for indifference. It was like a mask he had put on in order to keep himself together. It had probably been right, assuming that he just couldn't deal with all of this at once.

Clary cleared her throat, not sure whether it would obey her after what she'd just heard.

"If there's anything I can do…" She rasped.

It took a while for Jace to answer. But just as Clary decided that he must not have heard her, he answered: " Just..Stay with me." Clary sighed and shifted forward towards where he was sitting, hugging himself, as if to protect himself from any more harm.

"I will. I'm not going to leave ."

Jace raised his head a little, a flicker of doubt in his eyes.

" I promise," Clary said, inching even closer.

When Jace didn't draw away, she added:

"Is it okay if I touch you now ?"

Jace hesitated, then slowly nodded. Carefully, as if approaching a wounded animal, Clary reached out her arm and draped it around his shoulders. She could feel Jace's apprehension, so she just waited, until his breathing evened out and she felt him relax. His head fell onto her shoulder and she started, running her hand through his hair and automatically started to hum a lullaby that Jocelyn had always sung for her, when she couldn't sleep. Surprisingly, Jace didn't complain.

 _ **Thanks for reading everybody. Just a short one today, but the next one is already waiting...**_


	6. Chapter 6

When Jace opened his eyes again, the sun was peaking through the window. By the pattern of light and shadows he guessed that it had to be around 6 in the morning. He actually must have slept for a couple of hours. Still he felt drained.

Slowly, the previous night came back to him and the memory of the nightmare became clearer, as his mind became more aware and the fog of sleep lifted. So did the things he had confided to Clary. He groaned at his own vulnerability and weakness. He felt embarassed for crying like a baby for the second night in a row. Again he could hear his fathers voice in his head clearly, calling him weak and useless. And he couldn't object to that. After all he was a grown up man and a shadow hunter on top of that. How could he have let his feelings overwhelm him like that? But somehow Clary got to him, reaching him right in his core, making his carefully guarded walls crumble with just one look or touch. Although he had only known her for a couple of weeks now, he trusted Clary like no one else before, except maybe Alec, his parabatai. With Alec though, he had never had to voice his feelings; Alec could understand him without words through their bond. Still, he had never let him actually see the extend and all the details of what had happened in his past. He wasn't even sure how much he consciously remembered himself.

He thought back to the day he had been adopted by the Lightwoods. The man he had known as his father, Michael Wayland had died, they had told him, missing in action sorts of. He hadn't known what to think or feel, but without his constant prodding and shouting orders he had been completely lost.

He had expected to take orders from Robert and Maryse from now on, he had been eager to please them. But there was nothing like that. Sure there were rules and regulations which were put forward by the clave, but there was no shouting or beating, no being locked away or fasting periods, that were supposed to make you stronger. He had been utterly confused. Although his adoptive siblings seemed to grow up without all of this, they seemed to be very skilled fighters.

He couldn't help but adore the elegant way, Alec used his bow and arrow and the precision he had in all his fighting skills. He always seemed to be so calm and collect, never getting angry, never even raising his voice. Maybe that was why he was drawn towards him the way he was. Being around him somehow calmed him down almost like a meditation. Not that he'd actually know what that felt like. He had always been impulsive and restless and couldn't get his mind to just think nothing. But with Alec he came as close to relaxation as he could.

Then there was Izzy, the lively, bossy little girl who was so full of self assurance, it would make him sick sometimes. She would tease him and dare him to fight her all day long, but at the end of the day she would cuddle up to him and chat away, until his ears were ringing.

At first he couldn't stand her touch or the closeness that seemed so normal for her. It was like she was invading his personal space, his safety zone and it made himself feel vulnerable.

So far, he hadn't known gentle touch nor did he understand back then, what good it would do.

It just seemed to be an unnecessary distraction. But still he could feel warmth spread through his body every time Izzy hugged him, or grabbed his hand. He felt the need to protect her and at the same time he knew that she would protect him, for as petite as she looked, she was the strongest person he'd met so far.

Alec was different. He seemed shy and withdrawn, lacking self assurance for no obvious reason. Jace had never seen anyone as skilled as Alec, when it came to archery. His movements were elegant and efficient and he never missed his goal. He seemed easy to obey orders, never questioning the Clave's orders, but Jace had seen an ambition in him that would make him a great leader.

Thinking about his parabatai, Jace snapped out of his thoughts and sat up abruptly, causing his head to spin and a wave of nausea to rush over him.

He braced himself on the bed, waiting for his head to stop spinning. Only then it occurred to him that he hadn't eaten a thing since breakfast the day before, which had consisted of a piece of bread and black coffee. He sighed and slowly rose to his feet, this time without too much of a problem . He knew he would be in trouble if he didn't eat something soon, either from fainting or from Izzy kicking his ass.

The problem was, he just didn't feel like eating. Every time he was stressed out he, seemed to lose his appetite completely and his throat felt like it was too narrow to swallow any food.

He went to the bathroom and stared at his reflection in the mirror; he looked like shit. His skin was almost grey and his eyes were red and puffy. He had to stop being such a cry baby. How by the Angel did Clary get to him like that? Maybe that was because she had been raised a mundane, with years of practice with having and exploring feelings. He sighed and splashed some water into his face, rinsed his mouth and drank a couple of handsfull before he went back to his bedroom. Clary was still fast asleep, snoring slightly, causing him to smile a little.

He pulled on a T-shirt and a pair of sweats, before he left for Alec's room, to check on him.


End file.
